Thursday, July 16, 2015

Thoughts on time, relinquishment and faith.

As I start to process my trip and all that I experienced while in Uganda, my thoughts have been sporadic. It will take time and lots of conversation to bring them together into a coherent message leading to long term effects. In the past week, as I have been journaling, I have had short moments of inspiration, where thoughts flowed and I was able to come up with a brief glimpse of God. They are messy, full of dead-end logic and incomprehensible questions. Each stream of consciousness are totally separate, but I have hope that in time they will come together to reveal more of Him, His movement in Uganda, and His will in my life. Until then, we wait.


I can't believe my time in Uganda has come and gone. Time is not linear. It's almost as if there are moments or long series of moments when we can almost experience another dimension of time. Like there are gaps in the time-space continuum when it doesn't make earthly sense. I know God is outside of time, and does not see the world as we do. I wonder if there are moments when we can see beyond our humanly understanding of time.

Why do we even have time? I guess it helps our finite minds attempt to organize an infinite universe. And when we try to understand beyond this present moment, we end up going in circles. We start to believe that something came out of nothing, and that life might be possible outside of this place we know as home. We struggle to understand a god that is outside of time, outside of this known world. It is hard to see beyond ourselves, beyond our understanding of time and space. But I believe there are moments, moments that can't even be defined by seconds or minutes, that we experience a different kind of time. How is it that I am already here, three weeks after I started my Ugandan adventure? It is almost as if it never happened, and I have been doing my normal routine this whole time.

Again I say this, time is a strange phenomenon.


To relinquish: to surrender what you have and what you want. To leave your convoluted human desires and dreams behind, to give up and give in to God's love. It sounds painful and it is. It sounds hard and frustrating and impossible, and well, it kind of is. To let go of letting go is confusing, and unknown and unexplainable. Releasing your grips and allowing life to be willed through you is terrifying. It is like a zip line, and those first few seconds (or minutes or days) after you jump before your lifeline (or Jesus) catches you. The free fall is what we all live to avoid. But without the jump and fall, you will never know the feeling of true reliance on God. Or the freedom of flying down the line with the wind of His grace and love that both propels you and holds you.


God, you are a paradox. The more You reveal, the more You expect (Luke 12:47-48). The more I know, the more I want. The closer I get to You, I want less and less of this world. As I drink more of Your living water, the thirstier I am for You. I want You to reveal Your plans to me, but what that comes more responsibility and higher expectations and closer obedience. I am saved by faith, but without works, am I really saved? It is not about what I do, but if I do not obey am I really in relationship with you? You love me just as much today as yesterday, so why am I working so hard to earn your love?

We are just finite minds attempting to define an infinite God.


You are loved.

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